The Accidental Proposal by Dunn Matt

Author:Dunn, Matt [Dunn, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Notting Hill Press
Published: 2013-05-29T00:00:00+00:00

7.02 p.m.

I’m sitting on the sofa at Dan’s flat when his voice comes booming in from the hallway.

‘Step away from the stuffed crust.’

As Dan advances towards me, I pick up my can of lager defiantly, then take a couple of quick drags on my Marlboro.

‘Leave me alone.’

‘Come on, mate, I’m serious. You know those things will kill you.’ He’s sweating heavily which, coupled with the way he’s dressed – in a one-size-too-small-to-show-off-his-muscles white football shirt with ‘Davis’ and, predictably, ‘69’ printed on the back – means he’s probably been out training with Fake Madrid, the celebrity five-a-side football team he plays for.

‘So?’ I pick up the half-empty packet of cigarettes, childishly stuffing it up my jumper so Dan can’t take it.

‘I wasn’t talking about the cigarettes,’ he says, reaching down to grab the Pizza Hut box. ‘Do you know how many calories are in one of these?’

I snatch the box back from him, and for a few seconds we engage in a ridiculous tug of war until it rips in two and the pizza falls out – cheese-and pepperoni-side down, of course – onto Dan’s expensive rug.

‘I don’t care,’ I say, picking it up and placing it the right way up on the coffee table, much to Dan’s disgust. He stares at me for a second or two, then walks over to the kitchen to fetch a wet sponge and some Fairy Liquid.

‘What on earth’s the matter with you? And more importantly, how did you get in here?’

I reach into my pocket and remove a bunch of keys. ‘Your spare set, remember? You gave them to me in case of emergencies.’

‘Yeah, but, by “emergency”, I meant if a woman ever locked me in here and refused to let me go until I’d agreed to go on a second date with her,’ he says, kneeling down and dabbing gingerly at the pizza-with-a-slice-missing-shaped stain. ‘Not just because you fancied a pizza and a fag. And have you forgotten you’re supposed to be getting married next weekend? We don’t want you all lardy in your wedding photos.’

‘The wedding’s off,’ I say, slumping back onto the sofa, splashing some lager onto Dan’s suede cushions.

Dan pauses, mid-wipe. ‘What? Why?’

I shrug. ‘Sam seems to have decided that for me.’

‘So she finally saw sense, did she?’ Dan gets up off the floor and sits down on the sofa. ‘I suppose it was only a matter of time. What was it? The prospect of being married to you was just too much for her to . . .’

‘No, Dan. My suspicions were right. She’s . . .’ I swallow hard, because I can hardly bring myself to say the words, ‘having an affair.’

For perhaps the first time ever, Dan’s actually speechless. ‘What?’ he says, eventually.

‘Sam’s ha—’

Dan holds his hand up. ‘I didn’t mean “what?”, exactly. I heard you the first time. How do you know?’

‘You know that man I told you about the other day?’

‘The one she had coffee with?’

‘Yup.’

‘The good-looking one?’

‘Thanks, Dan. Yes. The good-looking one. Well, I saw him again.

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